The following are guiding ideas that will enhance your child's sense of safety and build trust in your relationship with him:

• Avoid evaluating your child (or others in his presence) with praise or criticism. Needing to please you and live up to expectations is a great source of anxiety for children.
  
  
• Speak kindly and respectfully to your child, both in public and in private. Preaching, scolding, interrupting, blaming, testing, or judging are unkind ways to treat anyone, child or adult, and these methods lead to fear, shame, and distrust. Express love, appreciation, and care for him with joy.
  
  
• Avoid comparing your child with anyone. Comparison is an evaluation, which creates fear and tension. When the comparison is in his favour, the child will fear the loss of your approval next time, and when the comparison favors another, he will feel hurt as well as resentful toward the other child and toward you.
  
  
• Be kind to your spouse, friends, and relatives. When observing unkind relationships, the child fears he will be treated in the same way. In addition, keep in mind that children emulate our ways.
  
  
• Encourage all the emotional expressions of children and respond with listening, validation, and kindness.
  
  
• Respect a child's safe decisions and choices. When you counter his choices, disregard his decision, or impose your choices, self-doubt and insecurity result. Instead, start by saying "Yes," so you are "forced" to find a supportive response. "Yes, you want to tear books. Here are some magazines you can tear," or "Yes, you love to play with the plastic bag on your head. Here is a paper bag. It is safe and, if you want, I can make holes for your eyes to see." Even when there is no way to support a child's action, say "yes" to his intent, "Yes, I can see that you love to annoy your sister. Would you like to tell me about it?"
  
  
• Avoid controlling or suppressing natural childlike behaviors. Noise, giggles, messes, exuberance, and endless curiosity are natural and are needed for growth.
  
  
• Refuse to resort to punishments, time-outs, consequences, bribes, and threats. No matter what name we give these strategies, no matter how gently they are applied or how well-intended they may be, their purpose is to control children's behavior. Therefore, they induce fear and get in the way of trust between parent and child and lead to the behaviors they intend to prevent.

About the Author:
Naomi Aldort is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves and of hundreds of internationally published parenting advice columns and articles. She offers guidance by phone, in person and in workshops and teleclasses.

From infants and toddlers to children and teens, Aldort's guidance takes the struggle out of parenting. Instead of ways of controlling, she provides tools of understanding and responding to your baby, child and teen, so she can be the best of herself, not because she fears you, but because she wants to, of her own free will.

Aldort's SALVE communication formula has been praised as providing the best of The Work of Byron Katie and Nonviolent Communication combined and more.

Aldort is the mother of three thriving young adults.

For articles, CDs, MP3 videos, free newsletter and information about guidance by phone: www.AuthenticParent.com

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