Why do Children Tell Lies?
by Melanie Hartgill

I don’t think any parent can say that their children have never told a lie; the fact is that lying is a skill that all children learn and there is a generally a reason as to why they lie, rather than lying for the sake of lying.

When and how do children lie?
Under the age of 3 years, a lie has no meaning for a child, as they tend to say whatever they are thinking and have no understanding that thoughts are private. Between the ages of 3 and 4, children begin to learn that other people don’t know what they are thinking but they cannot distinguish between reality and fantasy. This means that their strong imaginations are often reality for them and they often tell impossible tales. These tales are also told when they are in trouble and they will blame someone else, without meaning any harm. (My son often blames Sherzo (our cat) for things he has done as the two of them have a love-hate relationship!!) The ‘lies’ at this stage tend to be tall tales and they frequently exaggerate stories. Often the tales told are things that the children wish were true.

Parents can deal with these tall tales by either simply listening to the story without comment or they can attempt to tone down the story with reality, for example; when your child tells you he can fly around the room, you can answer with something like, “You would like to be able to fly around the room, wouldn’t you? What would you like to do if you could fly?” If your child has told a lie to avoid getting into trouble or in an attempt to please you, please don’t overreact, as they don’t realise they are doing something wrong and simply want to make you happy. Simply tell them that we must always tell the truth and they won’t be in trouble for telling the truth if you ask them a question. Tell your child it makes them happy when they tell the truth and let them know this from a young age, as they get older you can explain about trust and how people stop trusting people who don’t tell the truth.

In the early years of school, children often want to please their parents more than anything else, which leads to lies if they think the truth will make their parents cross. By the age of 8 (approximately), children can distinguish between truth and fantasy and have a fairly well developed sense of right and wrong by the age of 10. From about 8 years old, children are aware that lying is wrong and so parents should begin to discipline their children for not telling the truth. Although there are many reasons why a child of this age may lie, the most common reasons are as follows:

1. To avoid punishment as they want to stay out of trouble even when they know they’ve done something wrong
2. To get something they want
3. To protect others and avoid getting other people into trouble as children tend to be very loyal to family and friends
4. To impress others by making themselves, their lives and their experiences more exciting than in reality
5. To boost their self-esteem by making themselves appear better than they think they are
6. Because they hear their parents lie – yes, even those little white lies have an impact on our children. Children learn from their parents and mimic the behaviours they see. Please forget the idea of ‘do as I say, not as I do’ as children simply don’t learn or behave that way.

How can you tell when your child is lying?
Well, in all fairness, that’s not a question that can be easily answered as children differ from one another, however, there are some general guidelines.

1. Watch their facial expression: children telling the truth tend to look relaxed, while most children telling lies look anxious or tense.
2. Naturalness of speech: lies are often rehearsed and tend to be more stilted as they are told
3. Logicality: a lie tends to require more lies to support it and so they are often incoherent and lacking in sense.

When should you be concerned?
It is possible that persistent lying behaviour could be indicative of underlying problems. If a child feels they cannot deal with their real disappointments and failures, they may hide behind lies to cover up the real situation. They may need to exaggerate stories in order to be the centre of attention and to feel good about themselves. Young children occasionally say what they wish was true. As a parent you need to recognise your child’s lies for what they are and be aware of how often they are lying. Recurrent or frequent lies would be a reason to be concerned, as would your child lying for no real reason.

How do we stop the lies, while handling the situation appropriately?

1. Most importantly, never call the child a liar as children tend to live up to what the labels they are given. Rather ask questions about the content of the story, get your child to go back and start the story again and stop him when the story doesn’t sound plausible, for example: “That doesn’t sound possible to me, have you left something out?” Give your child an opportunity to rectify the situation and afterwards discuss why lies are not acceptable.
2. Don’t ignore the lies. This is not one of those situations when ignoring the behaviour will make it go away; in fact the lies are likely to get bigger. Rather try to determine the reason for the lie.
3. Model honest behaviour yourself; children will pick up and mimic those little white lies that you tell.
4. Please remember that telling tall tales is not the same as lying. Children under the age of about 6 years are merely expressing their imagination and are not harming anyone. Talk to your child about the wonderful stories they can make up so they begin to distinguish between reality and imagination.
5. Don’t confront the child and ask if they did something wrong when you know they did as you are setting them up to lie. Rather confront the children with your knowledge and then implement the discipline for the behaviour.
6. If a child admits to having done something else, without lying, then don’t discipline too harshly.
7. By the same token, if you tell a child they won’t get into trouble for telling the truth, then you can’t discipline them when they do tell you what happened.
8. Question your child calmly as the more worked up you get, the more likely they are to lie to protect themselves. Reassure them that you won’t over-react – then don’t!
9. Teach your child from a young age that lying damages friendships and other relationships, as people won’t trust them any more. “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” is always a great story to tell.
10. Consider what it is your child is lying about as this may give you a clue as to how they are feeling and why they are telling lies.
11. Discipline the behaviour separately to the lies that your child has told. Set up beforehand what the consequence is for lying and for misbehaviour. There should be a payoff for being truthful in a difficult situation.
12. Remember to see the lying as separate to the child and so they shouldn’t be shamed for whom they are, only disciplined for their actions.
13. Praise truthfulness
14. Help your child to actions to repair the lie as your job as parent is to teach rather than punish and make sure the consequence fits the crime.
15. Create a family environment that allows children to express all of their feelings appropriately and remember to praise and boost their self-esteem as often as you can.

Author:
Melanie Hartgill
Educational Psychologist
Pr. no. 0860000115134
Click here to email me
082 678 4300 fax; 086 610 7506
Specialising in: Assessments (educational, psychological, school readiness, emotional and career), Learning Disabilities, Parenting Issues and Training and Child Development